Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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