dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
