You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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