I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
