also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize