I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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