I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
