Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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