my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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