Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
