u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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