saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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