There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
