I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
