why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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