Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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