guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
