it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
