So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
