Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
