I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
