I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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