youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
