I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
