Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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