I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
