I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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