I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
