Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
