somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
