I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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