Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
