I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
