she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
