i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
