Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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