Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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