From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
