I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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