i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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