are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
