If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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