you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
