omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
