You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
