i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
