just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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