see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
