mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
