i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
