the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
