For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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