I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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