I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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