I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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