So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
