i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
