i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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