I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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